What The Frag?
by xXsomeoneelseXx
Summary: Blackbird attempts to understand humans, with humorous results. This is a collection of mutant plot bunnies that won't leave me alone. Contains OOCness. Based on my fic Turn Back.
1. Chapter 1

A plot bunny that entered my head when I was planning out my first fic, Turn Back. It would not leave me alone, so I typed it out, and am really happy with how it turned out. Enjoy. :)

I dedicate this oneshot to Crooked, who makes me giggle. (I see you twitching there... ;D)

Pairings: BlackbirdxKathryn, and some SamxMikaela thrown in too.

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"Ooohhh, that tickles!"

"Hey! Hold still! I can't do it with you squirming!"

"Fine… oh!"

Kathryn held the brush away as Blackbird jerked underneath her hand. "Honestly!" she said. "I'm never going to finish it at this rate!"

"I'm trying to hold still, but it tickles!' Blackbird complained.

Bumblebee walked into the rec room with Sam and Mikaela at his heels. "Hey there!" he said happily. "What'cha doin'?"

Kathryn began to stroke Blackbird's quarter panels.

"What…" he said. "What is that for?" Kathryn grinned.

"It's to keep you still," she said, carefully lowering the brush toward the stenciled lines. "Is it working?"

"Yes…" Blackbird said dazedly.

"What is that?" Sam said, coming over to look at Blackbird's quarter panel. He noticed that the old motto, "To punish and enslave," had been removed. In its place was a series of faint markings in a curling, elegant design. Kathryn was holding a very thin paintbrush and tracing over the curves with white paint. A tiny pot of white paint, along with a few other items, was resting on top of Blackbird's trunk. Sam recognized them.

"Are you… pinstriping him?" he said. Kathryn grinned.

"Yup," she said.

"Cool," Mikaela said, coming up behind Sam and putting her arms around his waist. "Nice design."

"Thanks," Kathryn said. "It's really hard to paint along the lines, though. Especially when he keeps moving."

"Hey!" Blackbird protested. "I've been trying to hold still, but it tickles!"

"Why are you pinstriping him?" Bumblebee said.

Kathryn gave them all a look.

"Everyone knows you can't be an ex-con without a tattoo!"


	2. That's Amore

EEK! It's another mutant plot bunny!! A few people suggested that Bumblebee introduce Blackbird to the music of Earth, hence spawning this insane oneshot. Enjoy. :)

And yes, I'm working on the sequel, I promise! These plot bunnies just keep coming up and biting me! I'll have it done someday... could take a while, though, with the rate these oneshots keep popping up in my twisted brain... .:rubs hands together evilly:.

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"Kathryn?"

"Hey, Blackbird, what's on your mind?"

Blackbird stepped into the rec room, glancing at the big-screen TV. A concrete truck was exploding in slow-motion on the screen. Kathryn was sitting on the arm of the specially built, Cybertronian-sized couch, watching it with a silly grin on her face. Blackbird sat down next to her, wondering why somebody had seen fit to stuff a concrete truck with explosives.

"I don't understand Earth songs... one song in particular, actually."

Kathryn's grin started edging towards smirk territory. "Oh really? Has Bee been playing his music library for you again?"

"Yes, and I don't understand this lyric…" Blackbird trailed off. He and his brother had spent approximately the same amount of time on Earth, but Bumblebee was vastly more knowledgeable about the culture and lifestyle of the locals. Blackbird, needless to say, had not been very interested with the 'primitive' entertainment humans had before becoming an Autobot.

Hence, it had been very interesting to discover the range and scope of Earth music. A lot of it was surprisingly good.

"Really?" Kathryn said, sounding almost predatory. "Which song? Let's hear it."

Blackbird obligingly played the clip.

"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's _amore_…"

Kathryn had a sudden mental image of a fake moon with pepperonis on it smacking Blackbird in the face, with little red hearts appearing in midair, and nearly fell off the couch laughing. Blackbird harrumphed and crossed his arms, sparing another glance at the TV.

The clip of the exploding cement truck was now being played in reverse.

He sighed.

"I'll never understand human entertainment."

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.:giggles insanely:. I was thinking of how to make Blackbird misunderstand song lyrics ("Shut Up And Drive" was briefly considered) and for some reason the song "That's Amore" by Dean Martin popped into my head, along with that mental image.

And yes, Kathryn is watching Mythbusters. I love that show, it reminds me of Wheeljack. XD

I don't own "That's Amore" or Mythbusters, by the way, just in case you were wondering. Or Transformers, but you already knew that.


	3. Let's Make Biscuits

AAAARGHH!! .:shoots crazed mutant plot bunny:. They're everywhere!!! I just can't stop writing these things!! .:bangs head on wall:.

Ah well, might as well enjoy it while it lasts. I might need to make this an entire separate fic or something. I think I'll title it "What The Frag?" and just put all my weird drabblish nonsense oneshots here as they come to me.

If anyone else has plot bunnies they want to foist off on me, I'm having fun writing these things... XD

As usual, I only own what comes out of my own crazed mind.

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"Oh, please!"

"No."

"Please, Kathryn???"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeease???"

"No."

The triumphant grin on her face was almost too much to bear. He couldn't believe he'd gotten himself in this position. What ever had compelled him to…

Ah well. Never mind that now, he had an obligation to wriggle out of.

Unfortunately, Kathryn was determined to make him see it through. She leaned in closer, almost as though for the kill.

"I promise I won't record you or anything," she said. Blackbird sighed and stood up. He might as well get it over with, then.

Kathryn followed him to the rec room, where Bumblebee was sitting on the couch, watching TV. Blackbird steeled himself and tapped Bumblebee's shoulder. Bumblebee looked at him curiously.

"What is it?" he said.

When Blackbird did not respond, Bumblebee got up and came around the couch to face him.

"What is it?" he said again, just in case he hadn't been heard the first time. Blackbird looked a little distracted.

Then Blackbird suddenly clapped his hands to Bumblebee's shoulders.

"LET'S MAKE BISCUITS!!!" he shouted.

Then he took the only reasonable course of action: he fled for his life.

"Buahahahahahahaaaaa!!" Kathryn actually fell over, she was laughing so hard. Bumblebee stood there for a few seconds, trying to figure out what the frag had just happened. Then he Googled the phrase.

"Invader Zim?" he queried Kathryn, who was still giggling maniacally. She nodded, grinning like an idiot.

"He lost a bet."

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I'M NOT ON CRACK, I SWEAR!!!

Oh, and Crooked- I'm really excited to see what you drew! .:squeals with glee:. Please hurry with it! I can't wait!

Please review folks... and yes, I already know I'm insane. ;P


	4. Poker Night

They just don't stop coming! No sooner did I finish that last chapter than the idea for this leapt into my head, and it was too good to pass up. Enjoy. :)

Oh yeah... there's something else too. While I was on my Christmas break, my family stopped by a place called Fort Ord in Monterey, CA, because it's the military base where my uncle went through basic training (a loooong time ago!). It was decommissioned in 1994, and is now a nature preserve. There are miles and miles of uninhabited land there, surrounded by barbed wire fencing with- get this- explosions testing warning signs all around. Apparently they used to store lots of munitions there. Anyway, my Transformers-obsessed brain being what it is, my first thought was, "This would make a PERFECT base for the Autobots!" Therefore, I am going to magically pick up the Autobot base and stick it in Fort Ord, because I think it's hella cool. X3

As usual, I only own what comes out of my own crazed mind.

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"I'll see your bet, and raise you one hundred."

Blackbird took one blue chip off his stack and tossed it into the middle of the table. Ironhide smirked. Kathryn raised one eyebrow. Bumblebee's expression did not change.

Kathryn had introduced the Autobots to poker. And they really liked it.

Blackbird, Bumblebee, Ironhide, and Ratchet were all sitting around the table in their holoforms, cards held in their hands. Their vehicle modes were all sitting in recharge to prevent cheating.

Kathryn also sat at the table, but she had lost all her chips a long time ago. She had never been too good at poker in the first place, but she hadn't stood a chance against supercomputers who could count cards and calculate odds in their sleep (or recharge- whatever). They were also very good at knowing when she was bluffing.

And, of course, they all had perfect poker faces.

Not to mention they had made up their own, extremely complicated version of poker, claiming that it was too easy for them to play by human rules. It was some kind of variation on seven-card draw, with card exchanges and special betting rounds and various rules adapted from other card games that she quickly lost track of.

Kathryn didn't mind. The Autobots were having fun, and it gave her a chance to check out their holoforms. After all, when you get to choose exactly what you look like, you choose to look hot. And they were _all_ hot. She figured there was nothing wrong with a little 'window-shopping,' especially because they didn't use their holoforms often.

And even more especially because Blackbird was drop-dead gorgeous. He had jet-black hair, electric-blue eyes (all the holoforms had those), and a smile that made her blush a little every time she saw it. He was dressed in blue jeans and a plain black tee shirt. Kathryn had also noticed the tattoo on the back of his neck; it looked exactly like his pinstriping.

She blushed a little every time she saw that, too.

Meanwhile, the betting had continued unabated, and the stakes had continued to rise until only Bumblebee and Blackbird were still going at it. It was now Bumblebee's turn.

"I think the stakes aren't high enough," Bumblebee said, shaking his long blond hair out of his eyes.

The pronouncement caused everyone to sit up a little straighter. This was going to be interesting.

"Really?" Blackbird said, with an air of feigned indifference.

"Yes," Bumblebee said, grinning almost maliciously. "I'm going all in." He shoved his entire pile of chips forward. "_And_…" he leaned forward conspiratorially. "If you lose this round, Blackbird, you have to make out with Kathryn."

There was a collective "ooooh" from Ratchet and Ironhide. Kathryn blushed furiously.

"I accept," Blackbird said without hesitation. "Lay down your cards."

With a flourish, Bumblebee flipped them onto the table. He had a full house- two kings and three tens- not to mention a queen and a jack, making a flush. Blackbird groaned and lay down his two-pair hand. He had been roundly beaten. Everyone turned to look at Kathryn.

"Well?" Bumblebee prodded.

Blackbird slowly stood up and walked around to Kathryn, who sat stock still. He slowly leaned in closer and closer until their faces were inches apart. Then he grinned, and in one swift movement, he snatched her off the chair, bridal style. Kathryn let out a feminine shriek and threw her arms around his neck to steady herself.

"How about we go somewhere a little more private?" he almost purred in her ear. Kathryn giggled.

There was a collective "awwww!" from the assembled onlookers.

"That's totally not fair!" Bumblebee complained. Blackbird chuckled.

"You just said I had to make out with her. You failed to specify the location," he pointed out, walking off with Kathryn giggling madly in his arms. The rest of the Autobots watched them leave.

"Just how much is a holoform capable of?" Ironhide mused aloud.

Ratchet whacked him over the head.

"Ow! I was just wonderin'!"

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No, they do NOT do the nasty! Get your mind out of the gutter!!

Ahem... anyway, I hope you enjoyed this one. I decided to pick a fluffy one out of the horde of attacking plot bunnies. This is sort of, really loosely, based on the scene in Casino Royale where the bad guy loses his Aston Martin to James Bond in a poker game. I'm totally not a poker player, so I hope I didn't get it all wrong there... of course, I could just blame it on the rules they made up... anyways, please review! I will adopt mutant orphan plot bunnies if you throw them my way. ;)

Oh, and thank you the-human-error for the thoughtful gift! ;D


	5. Let's Make Biscuits, Part Two!

More fun with holograms. .:evil cackle:. This one came to me when I was talking to Crooked on Live Messenger, so I'm going to blame it on her. ;P

I only own my insane ideas, because nobody else will have them. X3

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Kathryn and Blackbird were sitting on the couch, watching their favorite program on the Speed Channel and just vegging out. It had been an uneventful day.

That was about to change.

"WHEEEEEEE!!!" a very loud voice squealed, making Kathryn and Blackbird jump about a foot in the air. Blackbird whipped his head around, searching for the source of the annoying noise.

A tiny robot, no more than two feet tall, was running around in little circles behind the couch. It had skinny little arms, cone-like legs, and a large head with big, round blue optics. Blackbird could not recall having seen it before… no, wait…

"Gir?" Kathryn said incredulously, staring at the robot, which was now practically shrieking "I'M RUNNING! I'M RUNNING! WHEEEE!" while running around like Frenzy on crack. And indeed, the annoying little robot did bear a striking resemblance to the aftheaded, brainless robot from the TV show Kathryn had found so amusing.

The Gir-bot fired its little thrusters and soared onto the back of the couch, where it plopped down and looked at the TV.

"I love this show," it sighed happily.

Had he been human, Blackbird would be suffering from an eyetwitch right about now. There was something a little _off_ about that robot.

Said robot suddenly gave a squeal and leapt to its feet.

"I'm gonna sing the doom song now!"

Blackbird growled and swiped at the Gir-bot, which danced lightly out of range and started singing, "Doom doom doom, doom doomy doooom…"

"BUMBLEBEE!!!" Blackbird thundered, charging the door.

The holographic Gir vanished as Bumblebee hopped up and fled for his life.

Kathryn almost didn't hear his final, triumphant "doomy doomy DOOOOOOOM!" as he made good his escape, she was laughing so hard.


	6. Orientation

Another weird oneshot… why do these things always happen to me?? Oh well, please read and review!

As usual, I only own what comes out of my own crazed mind.

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It was a boring afternoon and absolutely nothing was happening. Blackbird and Bumblebee were sitting on the couch in the rec room, flipping through the channels. Ratchet was obsessively cleaning and organizing his med bay, Ironhide was out "on patrol" (meaning he was off somewhere practicing with his cannons), and Kathryn was in her room reading a magazine.

Bumblebee paused on MTV. Music videos were playing.

"Crank it up, give it to me, come on…" the TV crooned. Blackbird shook his head. Bumblebee "tsk"ed and shut off the TV.

"Why is all the music on that station about one thing?" he said.

Kathryn walked in with the magazine she had been reading, the February 2008 issue of Popular Mechanics.

"Hey, you guys!" she said excitedly. "Have you seen this? They're making the ZR-1 'King of the Hill' Corvette again!" She held up the magazine, showing a picture of a Corvette. "It's gonna have an LS9 engine and 620 horsepower, and go 200 miles an hour!"

Blackbird and Bumblebee 'oooh'ed in appreciation. "I'll have to scan one of those engines when they come out," Bumblebee said.

"It's so pretty…" Kathryn said, practically drooling on the magazine. Blackbird snorted. "Not that you aren't," she amended. "But this… it's sex on wheels!"

Blackbird snorted again, this time in disbelief. Humans really did think about only one thing.

Kathryn looked thoughtfully at the Corvette.

"Hey," she said after a while. "You know how humans have different sexualities?"

"Like heterosexual, homosexual, bi-"

"Yes, Bee, those and others I don't really want to consider," Kathryn cut him off, looking a little embarrassed. "...Do you think I'm mech-sexual?"

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Yes, the article in Popular Mechanics is absolutely real. And so is the ZR-1. I looooove Corvettes, in case you couldn't tell.

And I mean no disrespect to people who have out-of-the-ordinary orientations, folks. I just came across the term "mech-sexual" in other fics here and had to write a oneshot about it.


	7. Shopping

Yes, it's another one where Blackbird gets pwned by Kathryn! XD Enjoy!

As usual, I only own what comes out of my own crazed mind.

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"I still don't understand why _I_ had to come along," Blackbird grumbled.

"Aww, c'mon! It'll be fun!"

Blackbird rolled his eyes, groaning. In Bumblebee's backseat, Kathryn and Mikaela giggled. Bumblebee also rolled his eyes, but he was grinning.

They were going on Blackbird's most perilous mission to date.

The mall.

Kathryn had decided that the rather limited wardrobe she had been wearing since joining the Autobots was just not enough to get by with, and Mikaela had eagerly suggested a trip to the mall. Blackbird was practically obligated to go by then and Bumblebee had volunteered to accompany them in holoform to spare Sam. (After all, it was his duty to protect the boy. He remembered the last time Mikaela had dragged Sam to the mall.)

Blackbird, having never been around so many humans before, was very nervous. Kathryn and Mikaela's giggling was not helping.

His anxiety ratcheted up another notch as Bumblebee turned into the mall parking lot. A cursory glance showed easily a thousand cars in the lot, with probably even more that could not be seen. Luckily, there were a few parking spaces. Bumblebee quickly claimed a lucky spot close to the entrance, and they piled out.

"Hey, don't worry, Blackbird," Kathryn said. "Nobody's gonna look at you and think, 'Oh my God! He must be an alien!'"

"Yeah," Mikaela added. "They're gonna look at you and think, 'Oh my God! He's so hot!' See?" She nodded toward a group of teenaged females standing around just outside the mall entrance. They were all eyeing Blackbird and tittering amongst themselves.

Kathryn hooked her arm in Blackbird's and gave him a peck on the cheek. Blackbird suppressed a smirk as they walked past the disappointed girls.

"Getting possessive, are we?" he murmured as they entered the mall.

"Mine," Kathryn murmured back, grinning at him.

Blackbird was rather impressed at the size of the mall. The ceiling was easily tall enough to let Optimus walk under without ducking his head. Stores of every kind lined the walls. The sheer number of things that could be bought here was staggering.

"All right, where do we want to go first?" Mikaela said. Blackbird and Bumblebee exchanged knowing glances. They were just along for the ride; the girls were clearly in charge here.

"Hot Topic!" Kathryn said excitedly, setting off purposefully.

_What the frag is Hot Topic?_ Blackbird wondered idly. It was probably a store of some kind, but the name sounded… unusual. He gave a questioning glance to Bumblebee, who shrugged. He didn't know either.

Hot Topic was, indeed, a store. However, it was a very odd store, smaller than the ones that surrounded it. It gave the impression of being an underground operation, small and independent. However, it also appeared to be extremely popular. The place was packed. Blackbird hesitated at the entrance.

"Come on," Kathryn said, tugging gently on his arm. "Nothing in here bites." Blackbird reluctantly allowed himself to be guided into the throng of teenaged shoppers. Most of the merchandise consisted of screen-printed tees, often with the names or logos of different bands on them. Kathryn walked down one of the narrow aisles before stopping and plucking a hoodie off the rack. "Oooh, look!" she said delightedly.

It was an Invader Zim hoodie. Blackbird groaned aloud, making Kathryn giggle.

"I'm so buying this!" she declared, and set off in search of more clothing. Blackbird followed, tentatively threading his way through the crowd of people. By the time he had caught up with her, she had collected several shirts and was looking at a glass case that held various bumper stickers.

"I should get that one and put it on you," Kathryn said, pointing at one of them. It had a picture of Harry Potter on it and said "I speak Parseltongue." Blackbird sputtered slightly.

"Can we just pay for your clothes and get out of here?" he said. "I feel slightly claustrophobic." He nearly sighed in relief when Kathryn nodded.

At the register, Blackbird pulled out the credit card that Optimus had given him. Kathryn had referred to it as a "black card," and was obviously rather impressed with it. The rules of credit cards were rather confusing, but from what he knew, the card was special because it had no set limit, so apparently only very rich people could get one.

That, or people who were close friends with the highest levels of government.

They exited the store with the new clothes in a bag. Blackbird found it somewhat odd that he should be the one carrying it, when they were clearly Kathryn's. Kathryn, however, did not seem to be giving this much thought as they reconnected with Mikaela and Bumblebee and headed off to another store.

Several hours later, they were all carrying shopping bags from various stores. Blackbird was wondering how they were going to fit it all into Bumblebee's alt mode. Especially since the girls claimed that they were still not done yet.

"We only have one place left that we have to go," Kathryn said. Blackbird cheered silently.

"Which one?" he said, hoping it would be something quick and easy.

He could feel his spark sink at the look Kathryn and Mikaela exchanged.

"Victoria's Secret," they said in unison.

Blackbird flinched. He had once come across an ad for Victoria's Secret. He wasn't sure if he should get anywhere near the place.

He had to hurry to catch up with the others. Kathryn and Mikaela were walking purposefully ahead, while Bumblebee was trailing after them, looking somewhat embarrassed. Blackbird could understand that. He felt pretty much the same way himself.

A few minutes later, they had arrived in front of the store. The nearer he got, the more the feeling solidified that Blackbird did not belong in such a place. Lingerie was not, and never would be, his area of expertise.

He silently thanked Primus for that.

"Hmm, I can't go in there carrying all this stuff," Kathryn said, looking at the shopping bags she held. "Mikaela, do you mind sitting somewhere and watching my stuff while I go in?"

"No problem," Mikaela said, a little too easily. She went over to a nearby bench and sat down.

"I'll stay too!" Bumblebee offered, taking Kathryn and Blackbird's shopping bags and setting them on the bench next to Mikaela.

"Maybe I should stay out here…" Blackbird started to say, as Kathryn took his arm and practically dragged him into the dreaded store.

"You have the credit card," she pointed out, opening the glass door.

This seemed a very tenuous reason for making him come along. Blackbird frowned. He was about to point out that he could just give her the card and leave when Kathryn cut him off with an exclamation of delight and made a beeline for one of the racks. Feeling helpless, he trailed after her, trying not to look at the merchandise.

Kathryn did not make it very easy for him. She held up several… undergarments, obviously for his perusal.

"What do you think?" she said innocently.

There were several moments of silence as Blackbird attempted to figure out if she was actually being serious. Besides that, he had no idea what to say. What did it matter what he thought, anyway? She was going to be the one wearing them, not him. It wasn't as though he were going to see them ever again…

Oh.

Now he was absolutely certain he'd been set up.

Trying to find a way out of giving a definitive answer, he said, "Uhhh, why don't you try them on?"

"Okay!" Kathryn chirped, practically bouncing over to the dressing rooms and disappearing inside.

Hmmm. That had been too easy. Blackbird spared a quick glance outside the store, barely turning his head. His fears were confirmed. Bumblebee and Mikaela were surreptitiously watching him from outside the store, identical smirks plastered across their faces. Blackbird silently vowed that he would have his revenge before moving out of their line of sight.

Unfortunately, the only place not visible from outside the store was the dressing rooms. Blackbird ground his holographic teeth, resigning himself to his fate as he leaned against the wall.

Two teenage girls came by to use the dressing rooms. Blackbird nearly flinched at their disapproving stares, willing himself to act natural. It was getting harder by the second.

It was at that moment that Kathryn decided to start humming. Blackbird didn't know why this made him more nervous than he already was. He took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds, and then let it go, allowing some of his tension to drain away with it.

"Hmm, I can't decide," Kathryn said. "Can you come in and help me, Blackbird?"

That was the last straw. Blackbird dug the credit card out of his pocket, threw it over the dressing room door, and sprinted for the exit, vowing never to go shopping with a female again.

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Ta daaaa! Hope you liked it!

OH! I have great news! I finally made my first video to be posted on YouTube! It's a video about Megatron to the song "Miss Murder." I'm so proud of it! .:squee:.

Also, I have my own fanart!!! Crooked drew an awesome picture of Kathryn and Blackbird together, and it's sooo cute! I hope she posts it on deviantArt or something, because I adore it to death and wish I could show it to ya! (I think that Kathryn and Blackbird are sort of the wrong size in proportion to one another, but it's so damn cute, I couldn't care less!) Thanks Crooked! .:huggles:.


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